Do I want to have a baby?

This is the question that plagued me for most of my adult life. When I was young, I knew I wanted to have children but as I grew older, my certainty became more and more clouded.

It isn’t that I didn’t love children. I do. They are my life’s work. I am a teacher by trade and I love working with my students.

It’s just that as I grew older, I also grew to love my lifestyle. I loved being able to set out for an adventure at a moments notice. I loved being able to surf or climb or snowboard all day if I wanted. Heck, I loved sleeping until noon if the spirit moved me!

I felt that if I had a child, all of these things would fall to the wayside. I would become the stereotypical mom who can’t remember the last time she thought of herself. This was not what I wanted…which I thought meant, I did not want kids.

The thing is, kids kept coming up for me. I would visit my nieces; the longing would come. I would surf and see friends with kids taking turns in the water; the longing would come. I would think about sharing everything I love with a child; the longing would come…

The longing kept coming and haunting me until there was no way for me to hide from it any longer. I knew I needed to at least try to have a child.

I need to be honest with you. Though I knew I needed to try to have a baby, through the process of becoming pregnant, I can’t remember a moment where I was clear that the decision I was making to follow the path of motherhood was exactly right for me. I even sometimes wondered if I was making a mistake.

Photo Credit: Haley McNabb

While Waverly is the brightest, most beautiful thing that has ever entered my life, and I wholeheartedly believe I was sent to this earth to create her. I still am not sure how to answer the question, “Do I (Did I) want to have a baby?” But if I am ever asked if I would trade the life I have now for the life I had before. I know the answer would unequivocally be, absolutely never.